Ramblings of a Traveling Man

I have a bunch of notes and partial-posts from my week home that at one time I was going to turn into blogs, but I am just going to ramble today. Pretty much a combination of self-serving therapy, and stuff I would usually journal because I like keeping track of interpersonal developments, but I have been trying to be more 'raw' lately. That probably sounds weird, but it is all a part of taking my self-awareness (which I am good at) to a greater level of self-acceptance (which I am not).

I am currently sitting pool-side listening to music while on my lunch break. It is a perfectly calm setting. I am forcing myself into a time constraint which will be an interesting exercise. When the time is up, I will just post.

A friend of my parents is going through a divorce. This led to an interesting conversation with my dad on the subject. In many areas of a spiritual, moral, or Biblical nature I go to my dad as the expert. Strangely, this was the first time we had ever talked about this subject. I had always assumed he was a pretty hard line 'abuse or infidelity only' guy. He would probably characterize himself that way as well, but 'emotional/verbal' abuse and unwillingness to receive help fits in there somewhere. I found this conversation to be interesting.

During this same talk we got into the subject of marriage (my brother's wedding being the purpose of my visit of course). I have been thinking a lot about marriage in the past year or so. Ready/not ready? Could I do it? Do I want to? Should I want to?

During this talk he said to me in a very matter-of-fact manner: "You are a self-centered person."

Of course what he said is not newsworthy. He is 100% true. What was interesting was that this did not hurt my feelings. For my whole life, my dad has been able to crush me. For some reason what he thinks about me is so very important, that it can be consuming at times. But I didn't flinch. Maybe I am growing up finally. Becoming my own man. Aware of the things in me that need to change, but my identity is about me and God. Is my dad becoming just my dad after 30 years of mental gymnastics? I always knew it wasn't my dad's fault that I felt so much pressure. He is an awesome guy. Am I finally out of his shadow?

As for being married, it sounds painful. "Dying to myself"? Who signs up for that? But I am beginning to feel like the best version of me cannot exist alone. I can only grow so much as a self-centered, selfish person. I am generous, loyal, and a great friend to a great many people. Most people would characterize me as a 'good person'. People that have known me long enough would say I have 'completely changed'. But, have I ever "died to myself"? Not even close. I live to maximize my own happiness. I changed because I like myself better this way. I am a great friend, because I like having great friends back. I am fairly good at golden-rule type things, becasue I get a return. I am moral to the extent that it provides the best outcome for me in the long run. The closer I get to God the stronger I feel that I have only begun to scratch the surface of who I can be. And if that takes "death" then so be-it. I don't want to settle for less, just to be comfortable and avoid pain. (Insert caterpillar-butterfly metaphor here).

My little brother is married. That was a wild thing to get my head around. He has a wife. It didn't hit me until after he left the wedding. As soon as he was gone, I was ready to go home. And home for me is Atlanta, GA. I was there for him, and once he left I realized that things were different now. That was a crazy night. I had a great time in VA, but I was ready to be in my own place, with my own life. My parents house, borrowing cars, Virginia Beach in general, it all felt like a place I used to live. And it reminded me of a person I used to be. I like being out on my own; starting my own thing; being my own man. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and friends. But I need to start putting some roots down here.

It's time to start making friends here, and making a life here. As soon as the plane touched down, I could feel it. I was home. And it felt good. I missed my office, I missed my apartment, I missed my car. The mental switch finally flipped. I was gone, and I was happy. My first night back, some girl from a church I have been to was randomly at my softball game. She recruited me to come play with them. Maybe it’s nothing, but sometimes you can't get started on a new life until you are ready to leave the old one. Don't worry Virginia Beach, I'll be back in August. We always have a great time, but I'm just a visitor.