Baby Crazy

This is not a blog about golf, but Ross Fisher is a golfer. If you are a golf fan, you know who he is. If you are not, you have never heard of him. Every golf fan knows who Fisher is because he was all over the British Open coverage that wrapped up yesterday. You see, Fisher's wife is pregnant and due any day. Fisher had promised to leave the golf tournament as soon as his wife went into labor to be there for the birth. No matter what. As fate would have it, Fisher was right in the thick of things after Saturday's round which led to the debate: What if he is about to win the Open on Sunday when his wife goes into labor?

Would he really leave and lose maybe his only chance to win the greatest golf tournament he could ever win? To spend your whole life, with one dream, and walk away right at the end? The argument of course, is career over family. But they missed a key point. I get being there for your wife. But I ask you, what about the kid?

You see, when I was young, I found out that the only reason that my parents stayed together was because of me. My dad thinks this a great compliment to me. It's not. You see, I have lived every day of my life, from the moment I learned that, trying to make it worth it. Two people's lives, forever changed, because of me. That is a lot of pressure. And to be quite honest, I have never felt good enough. I probably never will. Throw in the fact that my dad was a pastor and all that goes into being a pk, and my sanity never had a chance.

The good news of course, is that my parents made it. They fought a lot when I was little (they were the same age that I am now, but with 3 kids and no money; I can't even imagine what that was like), but they grew up. Now, they are totally in love and happy, and could not imagine their lives without each other. Great for them, too late for me. I have spent my whole life trying to validate my existence as a human being; to prove that I deserve to be here.

On top of that, when I started dating I was reminded all to often to 'not marry my mother'. Needless to say, all women are crazy, so all women remind me of my mother.

Here's the sad part: I readily acknowledge that I have the greatest parents ever. I have the 'I wish I had your parents' parents. Kids with super-strict parents thought my parents were super-chill. Kids with no structure would talk to my parents for hours because the needed someone to care. On top of that, my parents never did anything to intentionally hurt me. My dad thought he was giving me a boost when he told me that I was so great he could never leave. He thought he was helping when he warned me about women. My parents love me more than anything. I don't know how some of you made it. I know I am the guy who won the lottery and is complaining because next week it would have been even bigger. Believe me, I get it. Somehow realizing how messed up that is only makes me more messed up. I have only gotten better by accepting my flaws and working to improve. So what's my deal?

I was talking to my brother when I was home and I think I discovered something: I don't appreciate being born. I think my parents have a genuine appreciation for the fact that their parents gave them life. I don't. I love my parents, but I didn't ask to be born. They got it on, and 9 months later they had to deal with me. I had nothing to do with that. Why do I owe them? Not only that, they were legally required to take care of me. I was a baby. Those were the rules. I know it's shitty to say, but I feel like they did what they were supposed to do. As soon as I could take care of myself I did.

Don't get me wrong, I am so very grateful for everything that they have done. They sacrificed a great deal for me. I have never wanted a day in my life. Even after I left, they always welcomed me back anytime I hit a rough patch. My life would be far worse without that support.

Maybe that's why I have grown so much lately. Our relationship is a choice now, and they have proven to always be there for me. I don't need them like a baby needs them, and I couldn't imagine life without them. One of these days I will have my own kids, and when I do, I will probably understand just how immature and silly I am at this moment in my life. That still doesn't change one simple fact:

If that Fisher kid had cost his dad the Open, just by being born, he could kiss any chance of being normal out the window. Then again, maybe normal is overrated. I'm as crazy as they come and I've had a damn good life.