A Moment of Truth

A famous monk once said, "I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you."

Maybe I am over-simplifying things, but that statement really resonates with me. You know those times when someone perfectly articulates something that has been percolating in your brain for some time? This is one of those times. I have talked around this issue for the past few months, not ever knowing exactly what I was trying to say. Can it really be so simple?

If the last 30 years of my life have been a crazy journey; and the past decade a wild, flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants ride; then the past 12 months have been “let’s hop in the car and just go; all I need is a map”. It’s been a little random, and a lot of fun, but I have an idea of where I am headed, and I am not going back. I’ve always known the map was there, but I was too afraid, and too stubborn to trust it completely. As long as I didn’t depend on the map, I could only be held so responsible for the roads I ended up on. I needed to try it on my own.

Well I need God. Plain and simple. I am in the midst of the longest depression-free streak of my post-adolescent life, and I do not think it is a coincidence that my dependence on my own abilities has taken a backseat to following the peace of God. For you atheists out there, I am perfectly content to say that I am an unenlightened individual with inferior genetic material, which requires the invention of a god to release the brain chemicals necessary for my sanity. Theological debate is not what this is about. This is about my happiness. I am happy. I don’t remember the last time I was unhappy.

So where does that quote fit in you ask? Well, I am trying to figure out God. Is He simple or complicated? Is the Bible a common man’s book, or a scholarly puzzle that the world’s greatest minds cannot crack? OK, those are the grand questions. What about the easy ones?

What are we supposed to pursue? Happiness? Wealth? Power? Success?

In church they say give and be blessed. They say treat others well and you will be treated well. No matter what, always have a good attitude. It really boils down to, ‘if you do what we say and follow the right path, you will have a good life’. One can only assume that having a good life is being happy. (Don’t want to digress into church-bash either. I know, you know, we all know. I am digging at something fresh and new today).

God made me. God made me to take care of my own interests. Also, I know the world as a whole (and me in it) are better if we all pitch on some things. If I steal your shit, and you steal my shit, we waste a lot of times and energy trying to protect our shit. So we agree to not steal. Social contracts. You get the point. So morality, if you will, is still self-serving. It is good for me to be moral, because if everyone is morale my life is better than if no one is moral. (Again, we all know how game theories works, those who take advantage of other playing can win, but let’s keep this simple).

So what’s my point? My point is God made me. God made me to live for a higher purpose, but also to work to achieve happiness, joy, peace, love, etc in this life. Selfishness gone too far leads to unhappiness. But to pretend that my own self-interests are irrelevant is hopelessly naïve.

Drink too much. Get a hangover. Sleep with your bff’s gf. Destroy your liver. Die alone.

Go out with your friends after work. Advance your career. Increase your social circle. Enhance your life.

Balance right? Of course, we get that. Easy stuff. But maybe everything isn’t so complex as we make it. Maybe things are that simple. Maybe life is about achieving balance (since achieving perfection is unrealistic). And maybe we have missed something. In all that guilt and judgment, did we subconsciously decide that happiness is not the goal? Are we chasing something that is unattainable, even if we could define it?

So I postulate this: live to maximize happiness. Short, medium and long-term. Short-term happiness cannot replace long-term happiness. That is balance part. Extreme example: hedonism is unsustainable. For me at least. I hate guilt. I have lived my life to eradicate guilt. Conversely, you can't kill yourself your whole life to make something of yourself one day. You gotta enjoy the ride. So no destroying yourself in the short-term for the long-term pay-off either. Balance.

God made me. He has to take some responsibility for that. Why would he make me in such a way that my primary functions and motivations are self-serving? And if His plan for my life is that I deny every natural impulse I have in order to somehow prove my love for Him, then He should have explained it better.

There is a larger point that I wanted to get into but I am out of time. Technology, innovation, creativity. God made us that way. There must be a lot of good in there. Maybe I’ll get to Part II some other time, but I wanted to mention it as least so you can further understand the God’s design part. If God’s plan was ‘the simple life’ why give us the desire to expand?

So God, you know I love You. And I am trying really hard to figure out what it is that you want from me. I am really happy, and I know that is because you allowed me to fail a million times and still love me no matter what. And I know that I am lazy, and maybe I am just looking for the easy way out. But just hear me out. Maybe I am totally wrong, but you know me. I have to try and figure You out as impossible as that is. Can you just accept that I want to please you? Cause that would be great. Thanks. You rock.

(p.s. Thanks for giving me peace whenever I need it. It feels good to want to live).